Garden of the Damned

Feeling rather damned if I do, damned if I don't today.  Such beautiful weather, too many options of good times to be had.  By 12 noon today, I had given up being a worthwhile partner in crime.  I was experiencing waves of selfishness at too great a speed.

This seems to be something I experience every once in a while.  The act of developing a partnership with Nascar is not all rainbows and lollipops.  I am in the habit of being a self centered or as I like to say, independent, woman.  I was not very good at sharing before meeting him.  I shared time with close female friends, many of whom are also very independent.  We took time for pedicures, barbeques at the park, shopping.  Then I would return to my little life, taking care of my little chores like laundry, food prep, etc.  It was easy...there was no one else to consider.

This week we are dog and cat sitting for one of my co-workers.  The animals are lovely companions, but boy was I pissed to have to get up early and take the canine critter to the beach.  I have only fostered dogs in my time; I had forgotten how much time a canine critter takes.  Luckily, Nascar is a born animal whisperer, so he took point on this activity.  I am scared that when he and I get a dog, as we plan to, I will harbor resentment towards the thing.  I know it will be extremely important for me to develop a personal connection with the dog, and we will have to choose wisely, one that fits for both of us.

So with my self-centered meltdown happening, I knew I had to protect the others.  I got snitty with Nascar, but he was quick to forgive after chastising me.  I cancelled plans with Silvia and Gabby - all they need is for me to melt down during their fun Sunday plans.  I ended up digging up one more garden bed in front of the vegie beds and another down near the secret garden.  I scattered a whole bunch of wildflower seeds in both areas.  It was so satisfying to dig up rocks and rake in seeds today.  It is hot out - at least 80*.  I even got tan lines...not cool, as I have a strapless wedding dress.  No more tank topped digging for me.  I think the wildflower gardens will be named Garden of the Damned.  

Back to the Blog

Since I last was blogging, so much has happened.  Most importantly for this site, was that I lost my camera in the Oakland airport.  Since one of the points of this blog was to have a place to enter photos, I have been less than motivated to blog.  But...now I have a MacBook and boy oh boy are my blogging instincts aware again.  I never believed it was possible to have a love affair with your computer.  But now I know for sure it is possible.  In fact I am in one.

This is a slick machine, so elegant and refined.  Yet the beauty behind the elegance is the simplicity, the friendliness of this computer.  Even the keys tap softer, make a more delightful clicking noise than my old Dell.  I am passing up snuggle time on the couch with Nascar to geek out on my Mac right now.  : )  This is a serious affair.

Despite my avid love of the MacBook, I am still marrying Nascar in June.  The wedding will be in Reno, we get to get married under our tree sculpture from Burning Man which is currently perched on the bank of the Truckee River.   I did buy my wedding dress...it is short and sassy and super cool.  I can't wait to rock the dress and rock Nascar's world!  We are destined for love and greatness together, this I am sure of.

The planning of the wedding has brought so many great discoveries to my heart.  I had no idea how important weddings were before now.  I guess you never really understand until you are in the moment.  The number of people excited about it, wanting to share in it, is overwhelming.  I feel so blessed and so in love with my family, my friends, and my Nascar.   I have never been one to accept things graciously, so this acceptance lesson has been a big one.

The only dark cloud to the whole thing is that my Dad has chosen to not come to the wedding.  I am sad, but not surprised.  He is a man who sees only reflections of himself when he looks into my eyes.  I do not think he is so comfortable with his reflection from my eyes lately.  I wish it was different, but I think for Dad, Nurse Bacon will never be fully integrated.