I know inherently that things end. I was told by a friend, "You feel things much more than most of us." I can only infer that this means I feel the negatives as well as the positives quite intently.
Feeling this negativity really derailed me this year. Bit bit by bit, step by step, I have found my way back to feeling the positives and moving past the negatives.
|These boots are made for walking into the light|
Over the last year, I have visited San Francisco a few times. Gabby's 40th birthday, a summer trip to see my nephew, Noah. In August, Gabby, Mimi, Alexa, and Patrick came to SLC to see us! It was such an amazing visit. My friendship with Gabby, has felt as strong, actually stronger, than before when we lived together. She, Alexa, and Mimi, have all been willing to hold my hand long-distance as I cry about my loneliness, my fear about my relationship with Ryan, and how damn cold Utah is.
I have been blessed to have shared many friendships. I have had school friends, study buddies, party girl friends, dance floor pals, burning man ladies, and nursing partners. Not all of these friendships were built to last forever. Up until this year, I have always maintained a proper distance from those I am friends with. I always believed that she who cares the least controls the most. Well, this year, all of that was turned upside down. I have never cared for friends the way I do about these ladies that I now am so many miles from. I lost some friendships over the last year and that experience has really made me recognize some things about myself. I used some sad experiences to motivate changes for myself. I am grateful that these ladies have stood by my side, and I promise to use this time of sadness to fuel a lot of positive moments for us in the future.
I celebrate all the ladies I have shared friendship with in my life. Each of these women have taught me something, given me love. I am grateful to have lost some friendships this year, because it has made me ask some hard questions about myself and how I am a friend. I see how I often do not respect boundaries for other women, and how I can often be prescriptive instead of supportive. I recognize how jealousy and my need to compare myself to other ladies can really be toxic and make me less inviting to women I enjoy spending time with. I am grateful for receiving these lessons. I am most grateful for the women who have stood by my side and accepted my less than stellar moments. True love and true friendship.
This is an on-going learning experience. He is my most special friend. Often I am prickly and and treat him worse than anyone else in my life. My final phase of this entry is for him,
I vow to give him the respect he deserves and to receive the gifts he provides.
I have learned over the last year that marriage is the hardest job of all. Compromise does not come easy. Each day I work accept him and love him, in the same way I wish to be treated.